You are about to enter another dimension of book reviewing. A dimension not only of positive and negative points, but of mind-numbingly upsetting points . A journey into a frustrating land lacking imagination. Next stop, the BOOK RANT Zone!

Title: 
Series: Choose Your Own Adventure #34
Author(s): Ken McMurtry

Synopsis:  Zombies and their controlling bokors, the charms and protective spells of voodoo, and the occult all mix in with every day life for your penpal in New Orleans. Your life in sleepy Maine is much different, and you love your penpal's spine-tingling tales. A new girl shows up at your school who reminds you of your penpal. You haven't received a letter since Hurricane Katrina. Is this your penpal? She looks...changed. Watch out, because zombies want one thing most of all-- to eat your brain!!

ReviewRant:  WHERE TO BEGIN.  Okay let me give you some back up info.  You see, back when I was younger I lived for Choose Your Own Adventure books.  I read (and owned) most of the original editions and I laboriously tried to get the 'Good End' in each book.  I never cheated and skipped ahead or went backwards, I kept going until I finally succeeded.  Which was almost never because apparently I was destined to only die the most horrifyingly bad way possible.

Anyhow.  Moving on.

Imagine my overwhelming happiness when I saw this book sitting in my used bookstore.  LOOK AT THE COVER.  It almost screamed awesome cool Zombies time!  And yet as I read on...and on...and on...wondering if these books all started with 6 page long introductions because I don't remember that part...I grew more and more frustrated.  Look! I made bullet points!

• The mixed up Zombie Mythology!  For some reason these Zombies are a combination of science and voodoo and nature--depending on who catches you.  Actually you could be caught by the same person multiple times and have the zombies become zombies multiple different ways!
• The lack of feasting on flesh.  I mean these are Zombies.  Not even a gnaw or two on a finger?
• The lack of Voodoo Zombies acting the right way--note to writer: Voodoo Zombies are not likely to 'break conditioning' because they miss homework!
• The incomprehensible mythology--these are ZOMBIES. There should be no mistaking what they are.  Ever.  
• The weird pop culture references.  For me I got it.  For today's teens? Not likely.  'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' is not a recent movie--I doubt your average 16 year old knows who Rick Moranis is either.

There weren't any truly interesting Endings (spoilers): You get arrested (thrice), you escape the non flesh eatingZombie, your mom picks you up, you die in a car explosion and turn into a rose (no seriously), your younger brother eats a soul, you save the girl (twice), you turn into a frog, you turn into a non flesh eating Zombie, you betray your new best friend to the bad lady, nearly get shot, let a pedophile get your new best friend, and you act like a racist bigot.

You know what I'm not seeing here?  A horrifyingly BAD ENDING.  I remember being eaten by a rabid unicorn, being stabbed to death by mutant ants, crushed by a giant beetle, being set on fire, being tossed off a cliff, being turned into a rabbit and than made into a stew...do you see where I am going here?  For a Zombie novel, where the likelihood that you will become a Zombie is really high, it happens ONCE.  And still not flesh eating.

And before someone thinks 'But these are made for tweens!  Those are seriously bad endings!' the originals were for tweens as well and if you listen to the recent media the tweens of today are way more violent than the tweens of my day.  I think they won't notice being burned to death or being bitten by a thousand bees next to Call of Duty or God of War.

So you see that's why this is a Book Rant and not a review.  I can't find a single good thing to say about this title.  Run far far away.